5am

I don’t know who I was before audio meditation took over my natural existence. It’s like I’m floating into some oblivious paranormal universe where every extremity is being reached in a perplexed climax of a blue sun and yellow cloud. I wish I were a starfish, no, a blow fish in the shape of a star, expanding my body, reaching outward to my natural habitat, soaking every ounce of weather into my body. Taking in all the sounds of nature, the trees leaves falling, the skin cells absorbing rays into the cells, both of these interacting between photosynthesis and respiration. The combination of hydrogen and oxygen is spectacular. The way that H3O makes things more acidic and OH- makes things more basic. How a simple exchange of valence electrons can change the spectrum of an entire molecular compound. Breathing in, I relax. Breathing out, I smile. If I could sleep forever. My dreams are spectacular. I once had a dream that I was a hooker in Paris stealing cars from men who tried to get cash from me. And you made me waffles in the morning. I haven’t eaten in 12 hours. When I listen to music, I forget that I’m hungry. It’s like my ears and mouth trade positions if only temporarily. Everyone’s talking about double rainbows. What if every rainbow is a person, and a double rainbow is two rainbows falling in love. What is love. I think it’s an allusion. Or perhaps a creation of the imagination. Nobody wants to be lonely. I wonder if the world really is round. It could be square and our perception of gravity diminishes our ability to conceive its shape. I have my best thoughts when I’m tired, probably because I replace morning logic with nighttime casualty. I don’t think I’m a remarkable human being. I don’t think I’m unique or significant. Modern homo sapiens have little to no diversity, and there’s no such thing as originality. Humans are simply talking, walking, hairless monkeys. I like monkeys. I’m excited to go to China. Everyone I knew in high school is progressing. Graduating from college, working a professional career, getting married, reproducing offspring. I hope China is a step forward. I hope whatever I’ve been missing I find there. I don’t know if I deserve to be happy, but I’d like to be.

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